If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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