I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
