I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
