I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
