I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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