OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
