I just pynch a tree in the face
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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