Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
