Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
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