so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
