Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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