We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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