He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The power of my boobs compel you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
