I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
