I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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