Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
