even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
