i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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