my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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