Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
