I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
