Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
