we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
