i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
