There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
