this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
