is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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