My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Boobs are out for the taking
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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