so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We need to rekindle our bromance
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
