My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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