She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
