Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
