I'm so fucking centered right now
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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