we have pet lesbian snakes
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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