My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
