Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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