I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
