I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
