just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
