he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
