My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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