he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
