did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
