I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
