apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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