What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
