All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
