I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
