Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
