I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
