On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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