sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
